i feel so stupid when i get depressed. wish i never even opened up this page to type. what the fuck am i depressed about. what is with this goddamn mood. how do i fix it. i hate myself shit man i really do im a pretty useless person. no really all i do is sit around watch some movies or play guitar hero. the only time i leave this goddamn house is to go to work. which is overnight anyway. antisocial fuck.mmaybe i need to loose 10kg. gain some self confidence. or respect. then hope i find someone that’ll love me.

i always fall for the wrong people. my big downfall. their always to old. taken. hate me. too far away. not real. i suck ass. i really do. fuck i am fat piece of shit. i really need to get healthy and quit with the binge bullshit because im bored. also need to excercise. but man do i hate goddamn excercising. maybe i should get myself into a coma. oh please let it happen i beg.

feel bad for previous post

nick cave making me feel guilty, love my mum. best friend, but apparently i treat her like shit. eh, i always thought it was joking around but okay. anyway, decided im going to go learn spanish, and then german.

also feeling down.
just read a few q&a on y!a bout brain cysts, ‘If I had a brain cyst, I’d leave it alone unless it really caused problems like vertigo, seizures, loss of sensory perception, cognitive problems or personality disorders.’

yep. thats me, why wont the nuero’s do anything then. fuck that.

having good chats with damian about racism, white people, hitler, stolen generation. man fuck any other ethnic group can be fuckin proud and it means somethin special but when the white man/woman stands up and is a proud white its called fuckin racism.

gets me righ off.

anywhoo. lates

mummys big debut

so i know my brothers an asshole and i am a lazy no good daughter, but seriously mum we arent bad kids. take a look at these other families, sarane and brent for example. craig is a litttle fucker of a son almost as bad as they can get, now they deserve breakdowns, but i dont really think you did. not yet anyway, yes joel doesnt know when to shutup and watch the mouth but no harm is intended really, he just doesnt know? and i cant help but think if the little breakdown screaming of ‘STOP IT! JUST SHUTUP! STOP! LEAVE ME ALONE LEAVE ME ALONE!’ was all towards your big debut as an actress and meant for heartfelt sympathies from us? well im sorry but you did a terrible job, it really pissed me off yet it did feel weird seeing you cry, i havent seen you cry in years. but people can make themselves cry, for show? i know i can. i mean only seconds ago you were laughing. i really think if you think youve reach your highest point now, you need to definately make your highest point just a little higher to reach because joel being only 14, there is a shitload more to come. as for your husband and irit stepdad of mine, please tell him to stop trying to act like me and my brothers father. sick to death of the petty rules he sets out and expects after all the bullshit he has put me and my brothers through, to want to even listen. or obey, sargent. thats the problem with army fellas these days, or atleast the older ones. their all fucking assholes, high with authority and self pride that they demand to be obeyed or your in hell. i know that he is scared of me, he may as well be praising me as if i were the fucking queen, and he does in his own silent way that my mother seems to be blind of. he has given me the most shit with his drunken foul rampages, and ive thrown them right back and i think that because i didnt take his bullshit thats why he is scared, because i will not obey and bow down to him. somedays im like get me out of this place, and then other days i wouldent want to be anywhere else (usually because he is not there), all i know is he really is driving my brothers, myself and mum apart, alienating us lot to abide by him. big alpha army jerk.

strange thing happened..

i have a crush and feelings may be mutual. well shit about time. lol

MAYBE.

keekkekek

I looked at the roster at work and dale is working with me next week, both friday and saturday :D I wonder why he is doing overnights but, oh wayne. thankyou wayne.

Im expecting a highly enjoyable night SO GOOD cos kerrie is manager too, boring bitch. ehehehhe

Greatest thing.

awawewewe

Scratch the Gold Coast trip mum, i want one of these for my 18th

i would give up anyyyy sort of 18th just for one of these!!!
Ive only ever had two dogs, Labradors. Gilbert and Tara, i miss them
Gilly was white, Tara was black and the runt of the lot haha crazy thing too

I want a little white boy to call Alfie, mum would never agree though haha

Ha.

There she sits, a stomach full of beer, intoxicated. Her fists clenched, breathing slowly in and out while her teeth are barred, her eyebrows forming a frown and her eyes wild with anger. I am taken aback and wonder what i said wrong, what i have done this time. It was she that provoked me to say what i did, would she rather me sit in silence and ignore her drunken comments? Only for me to get more comments thrown, hurtful, repetitive and brash. Ignoring meeting my face as much as she can, as if i am invisible to her.

I search my mind to why she drinks, to why there is some pitiful need. Especially when alone.
I wonder, what is wrong in your life? But then i feel selfish, bitter. No, not all is perfect in my life but Deborah give some hint why yours isnt if that be the case. I know she feel alone when he is gone, but drink is not the answer to a conversation on the phone, why drink just to call people you havent but should for some comfortability during the while. Even i know i have been guilty of this, but atleast i am aware of the pathetic act. Is there another you? Why keep secrets from me, i am only here for you.

16 and dinner table silences

Today is Daniel’s 16th. He comes with the teenage attitude and all, i have noticed how much of a little ass he is becoming lol still with cri-du-chat he’s just a normal kid. His friend Morgan from special school is here, random kid i must say threatening to cut Joel’s pinky finger off rofl. I should of got him something but i am still flat broke. As always.

I fucking loathe sitting at the dinner table with family, its just so quiet and AWKWARD. It’s only like this because Jason is here now, so strict, mannerish like. Doesnt make it comfortable, whats even the point these days its not like where all proper and shit.
I feel weird, and gross. ehh work. sick sick sick. fuck belinda.

2wkzndsnjndsjdnjnjdsncksckkdjckdjdc i was gonna rant on but decided im too light headed and lazy.

still havent started Falun Gong assignment. due this week lawllllll

The best quote in the history of quotes

“Yesterday, i saw him do a shit on a salad”